String theory explains Santa Claus

“There are many meteor showers in December. Many astrophysicists, including apparently serious ‘celebrity’ astrophysicists at the university, who maintain that these lights in the sky are the result of dust particles that burn up as they enter our atmosphere. But this is nonsense, because they ignore the truth: That the lights are the result of Santa Claus moving out of and into the atmosphere as he travels around the globe delivering Christmas presents!”

Oedegaard believes that Santa saves time, energy, and air resistance by producing gifts out in space. A new snowboard or doll weights quite little when it is high above the Earth.

“Likewise, Santa Claus doesn’t travel in our four dimensions (remember that time is the fourth dimension), but makes use of some eleven dimensions. These dimensions make it quite easy to pick up gifts from his warehouse at the North Pole,” emphasizes Oedegaard, while Nils Lid Hjort and Gaute Einevoll feel that recent string-theory allows for the use of at least twenty-six dimensions.

The more dimensions, the easier to deliver gifts.

Einstein = Santa Claus?
Such physics are Gaute Einevoll’s specialty, and he brings a bold hypothesis to the table:

“We are talking about moving matter, and no one had more knowledge about matter than Albert Einstein. Do I need to point out that the disheveled physicist reminds many of Santa Claus? Einstein published his special theory of relativity in 1905 and his general theory of relativity in 1916, but after Coca-Cola more or less defined Santa’s ‘look’ in 1930, Einstein didn’t publish that much more. I have wondered if that’s because Einstein became Santa,” speculates Einevoll.

He believes that the reason that Einstein never was able to link together quantum theory and relativity is due to the fact that the famous tussled head was busy in secret helping Santa to become a kind of “Quanta Claus.”

Coincidence? Certainly not!

Santa Claus – a threat to the environment?
“Even though Santa uses both the ion-shield and travels between dimensions, the problem of air resistance remains,” allows astrophysicist Oedegaard.

“There are so many more people now, and so many more good children, that there are more gifts and thus more air resistance. Therefore, it is natural to explain the warming up of the polar region with all the extra heat that is released. But this problem will solve itself over time, because if children are too good, then all the ice at the North Pole melt. Then there will be no more winter, and thus no more Christmas.”

“This leads to a discussion of ‘the bad children problem’: Why do bad children also receive gifts and whether, out of respect for the environment, children should be a little more naughty — without creating more problems with discipline in school.”

Elf expert Ane Ohrvik believes we should turn it around. “Maybe Santa Clause should raise his standards?” she asks, andrecommends a point system for naughty children. Santa has been receiving more and more mail every year, and for him to also send a “report card” could create a big postal problem, she points out.

Nils Lid Hjort suggests that the bureaucracy can be cut back if every family reports on children’s behavior direct to the local authorities.

Santa sees you
Another question is how Santa Claus knows how nice children are. Gaute Einevoll suggests that children’s winter caps can measure brain activity in order to read the infinitesimal magnetic fields that are generated by their thoughts. This information is then forwarded to Rudolf’s antlers, which of course act as an advanced antenna system.

 Ane Ohrvik points out that many Americans believe that Rudolf’s red nose is a very advanced navigation system and everyone knows the saying “Santa Claus sees you” — something some interpret to mean that Santa Claus has psychic abilities.

In Nils Lid Hjort’s opinion, it suggests co-operation between Santa Claus and the defunct East German secret police: STASI.

“The STASI archives are still secret, and this is a clear indication that information about nice and naught children is there,” believes Hjort, who does not rule out co-operation with local security services, which often have the latest information on whether a child is naughty or nice.

Flying Reindeer
Another apparent impossibility with Santa Claus are his reindeer, who do not just plod along. Nils Lid Hjort does not find it so strange that there are flying reindeer.

“You find flying creatures everywhere, and dinosaurs are a good example, but now they have developed feathers and are birds. Therefore it is no great paradox that we have flying reindeer,” he believes.

Gaute Einevoll, who works with physics in organic systems, points out that it is a bit odd that reindeer do not have wings. Ødegaard, though, has elegantly solved the problem: “Santa Claus of course uses vacuum energy. The sleigh and reindeer use repulsive energy to compensate for the force of gravity and therefore can fly.”

With that, the conversation turns to a discussion whether Santa has chosen the North Pole because of its social, religious, and political neutrality; multiple universes with a Santa in each; and so on.

Papa with a fake beard?
There are quite a few flippant and speculative assertions about Santa Claus. The most ridiculous of these is that Santa Claus is just papa who has dressed up in the garage:

“This is the worst I have heard,” says Nils Lid Hjort.

He is a professor and knows what he is talking about.

Although Hjort admits that a visit from Santa Claus often happens while papa is out shoveling snow, there are many examples in which both Santa and papa are in the same place at the same time, which weakens the argument that there is some connection between the two.

“I want to comment on the alternative situations: Of course you can find many trivial and sometimes fake Santas out there. But that doesn’t mean that you won’t find some real Santas,” says Einevoll, who adds:

“If I lived alone at the North Pole and were to visit children and their mothers, I would want to do it when their father was out, he says, and suggests that this is the source for the socially realistic popular song ‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus’.”

All together the panel agrees without doubt that Santa Claus not only makes use of advanced physics, but he is also a brilliant organizer.

“Santa lives at the North Pole and there isn’t so much happening aside from the occasional polar explorer. So he can use the whole year for self improvement,” points out Gaute Einevoll.

Therefore, all children of all ages can relax: The laws of physics assure us that Christmas will come this year as usual!